Mom and "The Wedding"...the Best of Plans Get Waylaid

     So, my daughter was getting married, and I wanted Nana Alice to look her best. Actually, I wanted Nana Aman to also but knew she had my sister-in-laws to get her dressed and pretty. I  knew it would be challenging for a man to get her ready. I talked to my dad about them staying at the hotel with the family, and then they could help. Also, we needed to shop and get her a dress. I made an early hair appointment for her for the wedding day. All I had to do was convince her she needed to look nice...nice enough to spend the money on the dress. I started about two months ahead with asking her to shop with me for my dress. Every time I mentioned a new dress for her, she would get mad, and say she isn't the mother of the bride and doesn't have to be fancy. I let it go for a while, but a month before the wedding it was getting critical. She was still mad about a dress, and said she was broke and would only wear it one time. Finally, I said that she has gained too much weight for all her clothes. She knows she HAS gained weight...but doesn't know it's two sizes up!! Then, Dad said, "Alice, you are getting a new dress!" Then, she just said okay and went with me and tried on bunch of dresses. Finally, we found a red one with a diamond buckle that she liked and looked good on her. Success!!
     We got home and I showed my dad. He liked it. I decided to take it back to Tampa with me so it wouldn't disappear there in their condo. These things happen there...often...things just disappear. I had a plan for us dressing her in Tampa at the hotel. We had a room for them where everybody was staying. I, obviously, would be at the church with my bride daughter earlier than others. We even had some costume jewelry to wear with the dress. It was a great plan until...it was the night before...she was getting sick. NOT!!  She has these fake illnesses, but I talked to her about her "sore throat" and convinced her it would be gone by Friday. Then, she started saying children run down the halls of hotels and scream, and she wouldn't be able to sleep. My brother took over the handling of it so I assumed he talked her into coming to the hotel. The dress, jewelry, and matching lipstick made it to the hotel so my sister could dress her. It was a perfect plan.
     The day went as planned. My family helped get the candelabras we rented, and delivered table decorations, and I went on with Jenna to our hair and make-up appointments. It was only when I got about ready to walk down the aisle at the wedding that I saw Mom, and my heart dropped. Alzheimer's had won again. Mom with her disease had waylaid my plans, and there was no red dress and no hair done. I remember the shock I felt when I saw her. I saw the casual green pleated skirt, the floral jacket, her bobby pinned hair brushed flatly down, and I had to ask my dad, "What happened? Where's her dress? Why is her hair not done?" He seemed beaten down, defeated as he said, "She won't stay at the hotel so I couldn't get the dress." He also seemed very confused because he said he knew nothing about her hair appointment. I am starting to see this more...his confusion about things and looks of total despair. She fights him often now and wins because he is just worn down and tired at eighty years of age. It's easier to give in to her tantrums now. But, again, I believe it is just the disease winning. The wife he had, the mom we knew, she is gone, and there is no way we can change that.
     I guess seeing her like that was actually a defining moment for me. Alzheimer's  Disease causes unpredictable behaviors and there can be no REAL plans. As much as I planned and hoped, I never entertained the thought that I couldn't pull it off and have her beautiful for my daughter's wedding. So, at that moment, it was definitely a huge blemish on the night for me. But, right at that moment my husband saw my stricken face and came to ask me what was wrong. All I could say was, "My Mom, she looks awful." He said some words that really brought me out of it, "She's happy and at least she's here." I took that to heart. Yes, she looked happy and her fake illness didn't keep them from being with us this time. Triumph! We beat you this time, Alzheimer's, and we will continue to try to live and understand more ways to fight you! So, in the end of the wedding plans, yes, they were waylaid, but we adjusted and adapted and enjoyed having the parents there....happy.

   

Bad times and Good times with Mom

     I haven't written in a while as I guess I have been too busy. I have had some rough days with my mom and just haven't wanted to share much. She is in that new stage of Alzheimer's that's not the fun one...the mean personality phase. My dad had been telling me she gets really mad at him. I have seen her go off on political things, etc., but she never really got mad at me, her "baby". Until over the last month, when she screamed and went off on me about her hair, moving, clothes, etc. I finally got a taste, an ugly one, of what he must go through maybe daily. You have to be careful what you say or she just goes ballistic. I know it must be so hard for him. She is just a wisp of the woman he married. She is more like a child now, and thankfully, I am good with kids. I have told him he can't give in to her, but he just wants to keep peace. I told him I am glad he is hard of hearing, because I think her constant barrage of talk would drive him crazy. It does me sometimes on my short day visits.
     But, yesterday was a very good day. She didn't get mad. She gave in on getting a dress to Jenna's wedding and went shopping with me. She laughed and acted a semblance of normal. I almost thought I was out shopping with my old mom again! It was fun to finally find a dress that she liked and looked pretty in. Do I think she will actually come to the wedding in that dress? I don't know because she randomly backs out of social things now with colds, eye pain, headaches, and other imaginary illnesses. Will I be disappointed if she backs out? Yes! But, I am trying to have low, low, low expectations on this wedding and her attending. If she does...it's a bonus...if not, that's the life I have with Mom now. We all can't control this disease or what it is doing to her mind. I, personally, just have to enjoy the little things...like shopping with her and buying her a new dress...seeing her beautiful smile and feeling like I had her back again. That is enough for me.

The Caregiver

     I never really looked at caregiving as one that had to do with the elderly. I had three children and did quite a LOT of caregiving over the years. So, I never really realized how hard it can be to be a caregiver for a older person. I took my mother-in-law, Nana A., on an appointment to the Alzheimer's Institute back in December, and they asked me if I would be in a "Caregiver" study. I said, "No, not me, I am not her Caregiver". I thought about it, and it is because our Nana A. has many "Caregivers". As a widow, everybody has chipped in with her care. My sister-in-law, Belinda, has been very proactive with doctors, my husband taking on all the business and financial worries, and some of us family members managing the extra appointments and stuff. She is always saying to me that she doesn't deserve us, and I tell her that she has always been there for us over the years...it's our payback to her.
     But, I can't imagine being a "Caregiver" like my dad, Tom. He is on duty 24/7 because my mom is like a five year old child. Oh, she is a sweet child and a loving one too, but when she does not want to do something...woohoo, look out! She has a strong will, like a child, changes her mind constantly, like a child, and can't be trusted with anything important...like a child. Yet, she tries hard to maintain normalcy, and he just tries to hold it all together. He is a true "Caregiver". He is almost eighty years old and his health has suffered greatly having to handle everything since Mom's diagnosis nine years ago. I see him getting really weary lately. She can't be trusted to cook any more as she could start a fire. Recently, he told me she burned up a pizza without even knowing she put it in the oven! He is so sweet and patient with Mom, though she is very mean to him often now. I worry his health is taking a dive. He looked paler and worse than I have seen in recent months. 
     So, when I think about being a "Caregiver" to a person with Alzheimer's, like my mom, I am pretty sure I would lose my mind. Oh, I can take doses of her constantly asking the same questions over and over. I can even be extremely patient with her when she "acts up"when I visit. But, live with her on a daily basis? He is a better man than me. My dad is completely devoted to her as his partner...for better for worse...in sickness and in health. He has somewhat lost his role as "husband", now it's more like a parent. But, thankfully and to be admired...this wonderful "Caregiver" sure did not forget his wedding vows.

Losing Things...

     All of us lose things on a daily basis...keys, important papers, and other things. We worry about ourselves when we lose things, and even think, "maybe I am getting dementia." But, what I noticed in my mom was when she lost things, it was like it was swallowed up in a black hole. When you have Alzheimer's Disease you never make the memory of putting the item somewhere, so it is in a black hole. So, like we recall the memory of putting the keys on top of the refrigerator later when we find them, the person with AD just does NOT! it is always a fun guessing game to find out where Mom put/hid something we are searching for...I try to keep it light so she will help me look and not get mad. She gets mad sometimes now...but, we will save that for another blog!
     This week I was called to swing by Nana A.'s place because she had lost her glasses. They had been missing for three days and the staff at her place had not seen them. I got to her room and found her frantically searching her drawers. But, it was her purse she could not find...which is an ongoing problem for this dear lady. She puts the purse in the oddest places! I have found it under her lingerie, under her towels, behind all her clothes in the closest..she does this because she thinks someone might steal it from her. So, that day, she also said someone stole her glasses, because she thought she had left them at dinner and went right back, and they were gone. I figured they were in the purse if we could find it. Success! I found the purse buried in a drawer after about five minutes but NO glasses. Ugh! So, I began to search her clothes pockets, under cushions, the bathroom, and finally, got on my hands and knees searching. I looked under the bed, but no glasses. I reached my hand way back under it between the nightstand, and SUCCESS, I felt the glasses! Nana was so happy! I had never seen such joy on her face, and she wanted to go right out and join the Bingo game. I guess she had been unable to play for three days...all her friends were there and rejoiced with her. LOL
     In closing, I think about these two women and how frustrated they are when they lose things. They both know, they will never remember. That thought can be pretty depressing. I tell my mom it will be interesting when they move to find so many things that she has stuck places...she justs laughs...I love these times because she can still laugh, and that is a blessing!

Now it's losing "Moms"

     I was blessed to live close to my mom and my mother-in-law. While my own mother was a "working woman", having a career outside the home, my mother-in-law worked equally as hard being a full-time homemaker. She was really the best cook, best hostess, best manager, best just about EVERYTHING. I grew to love and appreciate the homemaking skills she taught me, and the amazing woman she was. She also helped me often with my little ones, and my children just adore their "Nana".      
     Like my own mom, Nana A. loved to give special gifts and never forgot a birthday or holiday. She also tried to do fun activities with the kids, and she had the time during the week to really hang out with them and invest in their lives. She would attend sports games, concerts, and other events they participated in. She was the Week Day Nana while my mom was the Weekend Nana. My kids had the best of both worlds.
     She was a very socially active woman also. In the old days, she had a couple of bridge groups she was in, she had many activities with friends and her dear sister, Glenda, and traveled a lot. She and her favorite guy, Bruce "Papa", would take off in their RV for long trips to see the country. They also enjoyed weekends at their beach condo. Even in the later years when Papa got ill, and they moved to a retirement apartment, she stayed very busy with all the activities that were offered there. After Bruce passed away, Nana, had a new friend who she hung out with and did many activities with...parties, dancing, trips, etc. She was over 80 years but seemed to still be going strong...dressing sharp and mentally pretty sharp.
     I say all this because we began to "lose" Nana A. not too long after that, probably about three plus years ago. While my own mom had been struggling with Dementia for many years, the signs in my mom-in-law were really clear to me from the onset...because I knew them...personally. Of course, it was a long and drawn out discovery for my husband and his siblings. I watched in silence mostly, because it was too hard for me to see and experience yet again. It was really inconceivable that TWO great women could lose their mental faculties like this...it was heartbreaking actually. Nana A. was already in her 80's so the Alzheimer's began to move quickly through her brain...short term memory and sporadic long term memory...hallucinations and fabricated memories. It is all no picnic in the park. My sister-in-law got her to the Alzheimer's institute right away and was very proactive about her care. They got her on some memory medicine that did stablize her for a while.
     But, the biggest issue that was faced was that she was a widow and lived independently and even still drove herself places. It became clear to all that it was not safe for her to drive, and that she was not taking her medicines properly. Her friend moved away and help had to be hired to check on her daily. She took it hard when she was cut off from driving, but it was really hard when her friend moved away. She became more depressed and confused about things. Not too many months later, we had to move her to a new home where they would give her her medicines...she was just not safe living alone. She really likes her new place. The activities coordinator is a family friend, and she gets her involved as much as she can. Nana often calls and is confused if she is living there now for good...but, she always says she likes it there.
     Now, she is on two meds and cannot remember from minute to minute too many details. She still remembers her family, their faces, and loves us all. That is very comforting. My own mom is also at a similar place in the disease of Alzheimer's, even though having it longer. The two "Moms" are sweet, dear ladies...nobody like them in my world. They are not the women we once knew, but they are who they are. The disease has robbed them and robbed us of WHO we knew, and we all continue adjusting to these new moms....never stopping loving them just the same.

The Way She Was

     Thinking back on my life I can honestly say my Mom WAS the best. She was just an amazing mother. For many years, she was a single mom raising three kids alone. But, she was always one hundred percent there for us. I think the title “Supermom” really was coined because of her. She balanced her career, managed our home, volunteered, sang in the church choir, and was a friend to all. My sister-in-law used to call her “Saint Alice” because of her huge heart for people, her loved ones…friends, family, co-workers.

     One example of her big heart I remember happened one night when I was a teenager. My friends and I were out on a Friday night, and we found a stray kitten. My friends said, “Let’s take it to your mom, she will know what to do with it.” They were right. She did know, and that kitten became a new member of our family that night! That is the kind of caring mom I had.

     But, when I was a young mother, I really began to appreciate her love for her family. As grandchildren began to arrive, she was there to help with the new births and became a very special "Nana" to my kids and the other grandchildren. She and our #2 Dad kept the kids often for us and those close to Florida and traveled to see the far out-of-town ones when they could also. Nana Alice and Tom (Grand-Dad) were fun and generous. They both worked full time jobs but gave many of their weekends to spend time with our young ones...lots of beach time, outings, and attention. Holidays and birthdays were special because they always tried to get the kids things they really wanted. Of course, Nana Alice, who really was the ultimate gift giver, took so much joy in getting all just the right thing. 
     But, she was really so unselfish too. She looked out for the needs of others more than herself. I recall a time when she wanted my husband and me to have a night alone without little ones. She was big on supporting our marriage by giving us breaks. So, we planned to meet half-way since we live an hour apart, and my 4 yr. old and 5 year old would go with her for the night. Well, on the way there, I realized my 4 yr. old must have a stomach bug of some kind. When we got there to meet her, he threw up. I told her she couldn't take him sick, but she insisted we needed a break, and she could handle it. She buckled them up and drove off. She cared more about giving me the night with my husband than herself. That's the kind of selflessness I am talking about.
    I really saw her as a homemaker after she remarried #2 Dad. They built a house together, and she cooked a lot more. Oh, she always cooked for us kids as a single mom, but when she found "her man" the meals got much better. I totally enjoyed seeing how she loved him by serving him. They made the cutest couple, and they enjoyed life. They traveled a lot...to Gator games, the mountains, cruises, etc. They went to movies together, and they teased and laughed at one another. I knew she had found the love of her life in him.
   In closing, I have many fond memories of the way Mom was...more than even possible to write down in this blog. I get glimpses of that person sometimes, but it is like a snapshot you glance at, and then it is gone. I am glad #2 Dad tries to keep these memories alive with his love...he reminds her and teases her...just like old times. But, he knows and I know the old times are gone on the road we are on. But, I  take comfort that at least we can still get her to smile and laugh...and that does make it all easier...losing who she was.

     
   

The Journey Begins...

     I remember the day clearly in my mind…it was the day I came to the reality that my mom was “losing it” or should I say, her mind was slipping. My dad had been telling me for months she was having memory problems. I just didn’t see it.  I talked to her daily, saw her often, and she still seemed mentally sharp to me. I thought any 70 year old woman who still worked a full-time job as a professional, must be doing pretty well in the brain department.

    Well, on this particular day, my brother and his daughters were in town. We packed up my three kids and his and picked up Mom to take them all to the beach. On the car ride, I remember Mom asking Jenna, my daughter, about her recent school trip out of town. Jenna said she went with the chorus. Mom had been to some of her chorus concerts and enjoyed them. It wasn’t but five minutes later, while still heading to the beach in the car, that Mom turned to Jenna and said, “Jenna, you sing so nice, you should be in a chorus.” There was dead silence in the car as shock at her comment settled in on all of us. It was a defining moment because in one brief moment, I could finally see what my dad was living…her memory was going.

     I guess I should have seen it coming. He had been telling me...but, like all of us, we don't WANT to believe it. Yet, I had started to see weird signs of a different woman. For example, my birthday lunch came that year and her gift bag contained a candle that looked like it had been used....hmmm...Mom was the ultimate gift card great birthday gift lady. I was puzzled that day.

     Also, confusion with work and friends had started. At work, her co-worker told me she had short term memory lapses with cases they were handling. Then, she became mad at a close friend for something that she "thought" she did or said. It was weird because Mom was so good to her friends and always believed the best of them. I could not get this relationship issue and, once again, felt like I was dealing with a new mother.

    So, back to that day at the beach, it was a real beginning for me. That day, my brother and I got the courage to talk to her on the beach about her memory and what we had just experienced. As soon as we returned back to the house, Mom told our dad to call the doctor so she could get on some memory meds. He seemed relieved...the truth was out, and we were "believers" now...that we were losing Mom...not to a physical death but to a death of the mind...Alzheimer's. This journey is one I am now taking, desired or not, because she is my mom, and even if she does not remember...I do, and I love her dearly.