When I consider loving my mom and my mother-in-law, I think in my mind I absolutely do. They both have dementia, but they deserve love. They can't help the bad fortune of getting a disease like Alzheimer's. But, what does love look like? For me, it is not about just saying the words...it involves actually showing up.
Many have said to me, they just cannot stand to visit their demented loved one, it's just too hard for them. They say the loved one repeats constantly or says things that are irrational or even makes up outlandish lies. What I would like to say is...It's Not About You! It is about them. It's about showing them respect for the life they lived. It's about the life they lived showing YOU the love and respect that you deserved, and, let's just be honest, showing you they appreciated you in their lives.
The biggest thing I hear about ignoring your family member with dementia is, "Well, they will not remember my visit or call anyway." Yes, they can't remember, but now, these are YOUR last memories with this loved one. Of course, if you want to be self-centered and try to excuse your responsibilities, this could be your call. But, I would encourage you to continue to build your own memories and "live in the moment" with them. It could be YOUR last chance to show them the love they have shown you in the past, remembered or not. And, again, YOU will remember even if they do not.
Lastly, I must confess it takes a lot to develop this "live in the moment" mindset. We all still want our old loved one back. We long for that person. We grieve for that person we knew. I've been there and done that. It can cause us to be self-centered and think only of ourselves. As I have repeated before...it's not about you...not with a loved one with dementia. Every memory you make now with them you do for them AND for yourself. The greatest thing is YOU will remember and there will be no regrets. So, my advice would be is...show up...and show love.
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