I have to be honest that I have been thinking a lot that my mom is out of the holiday loop. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and it's a dilemma. While I feel the guilt of not having her over, does it cause her more distress? I have to face it...Mom has progressed in her brain disease. Thankfully, she is still so sweet and knows me. Does she know my name or just my face? Whatever it is, I am familiar and that is still a good thing.
When it comes to holidays, I do want her there. But, I keep noticing her agitation with crowds (usually one at my house). Plus, she must feel so misplaced. She seems to want to go "home" right away, but she doesn't quite know where that is. I, of course, have other guests to handle so she must wait. I usually end up leaving my guests, because she is so insistent. I have tried in the past to enlist her help. She is always so willing to help. There are many things she can do. She sure can fold a perfect towel! But, when it comes to the kitchen...I am not sure...Mom is just not her sharpest there. I end up feeling like I scolded her about staying out of the trash!
So, I am contemplating this Thanksgiving about not having my mom over. Will she know the difference? No, she does not know that time changes from day to day. She lives in each moment, and some days I envy the peace in that. I can have her over for leftovers, and she will enjoy that moment with the food. I will enjoy being with her any moment I get. It will mean something to us both in a different way. I know I am not the first family member to agonize over this. I know other people have loved ones with dementia that they struggle with issues just like this. I think I have decided I will wait until Thanksgiving Day and will make my final decision. As of now, I feel a peace about not stressing her out with my family and friends when it is really....just one day. I just relish more "moments" with her. That will bring us both to smiles.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Assisted Living Facilities (Edited version) and Mom's Journey
Assisted living facilities are the place to go in your senior plus years. It's the safe spot to keep you out of a skilled nursing facility. Those words "nursing home" were what my dad made me promise to keep him out of. Later, after I really experienced a nursing home for a brief visit, (rehab-it wasn't for me), I completely understood why. They are tough places to have to hang out in. I'm sorry for the folks who have to be there. Sometimes the medical conditions leave no choice. I am sorry for the people who suffer like this.
Personally, I have had some good and bad experiences at assisted living facilities. I have experienced three places with my parents. I was called out a bit on my previous blog so I am editing it and adding these positive thoughts.
I have experienced the most WONDERFUL people who worked at an assisted living where my parents were. I did have some really good care. These people worked night and day tirelessly. I felt so much love and concern from them for our family. I felt my folks were safe (code at the front door in and out) and loved. This was such a positive time. They had many family activities. There was lots of community volunteer involvement too. You probably wonder why we moved Mom from there??? It boils down to leadership changes, firing of some of my favorite employees, and lack of care. She was just sleeping all the time and not engaged. We thought she would do more activities at this new spot. So, we gambled she would do well with this move and have a better quality of life. It worked for a while. I have experienced some AMAZING people working in this new place also. It is just I have not had enough time to truly appreciate them. They will know at some point, I do, always, eventually, in the end, show them how much I appreciate them.
Unfortunately, most assisted livings are NOT secure environments. The new place my mom moved to did not have the code. It was a concern for us. But, Mom had never wandered out alone before. We were told hall doors are locked, and the front door was covered by a receptionist. But, unfortunately again, that wasn't necessarily true. The hall doors could be pushed right open...no alarm or anything. Mom did take a couple walks out those doors in her confusion. Sadly, it the final walk that was the one that just sent her to the memory care unit. I think this walk was right out the front door in broad daylight. But, no way to document it we are told. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining on the lake outside, and it was a short walk down the parking lot and off the property. The key word is OFF. It wasn't even 1/8 of a mile I think...but enough. My advice, in this world today, go with a really secure place...a code at the front door, in and out. In light of recent violent acts, think about that there are drugs and defenseless people in these places...better to be safe than sorry.
As for medical care, well, it has been hit and miss. Obviously, it is assisted living. It isn't supposed to be perfect in that area. I must remind myself of that. I had some great help with my dad who had Parkinson's at one facility. It's hard to judge now, because Mom hasn't too many ailments except for her brain disease. They do a really good job of dispensing drugs...if that's all you are looking for.
In closing, I am entering a new phase now with her lock down life in a memory care unit. It's hard. I did not want this step to ever come. I cannot blame the assisted living world because of my unrealistic expectations. I understand their liability. Plus, they care about her safety. Her freedom might just mean a loss for us all. I just need to focus on Mom. I am losing her still...it really stinks.
Personally, I have had some good and bad experiences at assisted living facilities. I have experienced three places with my parents. I was called out a bit on my previous blog so I am editing it and adding these positive thoughts.
I have experienced the most WONDERFUL people who worked at an assisted living where my parents were. I did have some really good care. These people worked night and day tirelessly. I felt so much love and concern from them for our family. I felt my folks were safe (code at the front door in and out) and loved. This was such a positive time. They had many family activities. There was lots of community volunteer involvement too. You probably wonder why we moved Mom from there??? It boils down to leadership changes, firing of some of my favorite employees, and lack of care. She was just sleeping all the time and not engaged. We thought she would do more activities at this new spot. So, we gambled she would do well with this move and have a better quality of life. It worked for a while. I have experienced some AMAZING people working in this new place also. It is just I have not had enough time to truly appreciate them. They will know at some point, I do, always, eventually, in the end, show them how much I appreciate them.
Unfortunately, most assisted livings are NOT secure environments. The new place my mom moved to did not have the code. It was a concern for us. But, Mom had never wandered out alone before. We were told hall doors are locked, and the front door was covered by a receptionist. But, unfortunately again, that wasn't necessarily true. The hall doors could be pushed right open...no alarm or anything. Mom did take a couple walks out those doors in her confusion. Sadly, it the final walk that was the one that just sent her to the memory care unit. I think this walk was right out the front door in broad daylight. But, no way to document it we are told. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining on the lake outside, and it was a short walk down the parking lot and off the property. The key word is OFF. It wasn't even 1/8 of a mile I think...but enough. My advice, in this world today, go with a really secure place...a code at the front door, in and out. In light of recent violent acts, think about that there are drugs and defenseless people in these places...better to be safe than sorry.
As for medical care, well, it has been hit and miss. Obviously, it is assisted living. It isn't supposed to be perfect in that area. I must remind myself of that. I had some great help with my dad who had Parkinson's at one facility. It's hard to judge now, because Mom hasn't too many ailments except for her brain disease. They do a really good job of dispensing drugs...if that's all you are looking for.
In closing, I am entering a new phase now with her lock down life in a memory care unit. It's hard. I did not want this step to ever come. I cannot blame the assisted living world because of my unrealistic expectations. I understand their liability. Plus, they care about her safety. Her freedom might just mean a loss for us all. I just need to focus on Mom. I am losing her still...it really stinks.
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