What does make the holidays so hard? Well, I think it's two things. First, we remember. We remember our loved one and their holiday excitement. We remember they did the decorations great. We remember they cooked so much better than we do. (that would be me- lol) We remember they were there with us in all the festivities. We remember their singing in the Christmas choir, their gathering gifts for holiday toy drives, their special family gifts. We remember how they loved their family so well. We remember. We remember.
It is also a time when we really miss our loved one who has dementia. I see posts on social media all the time about missing a deceased mom or dad. People respond in sympathy. I want to say, "What about me? My mom is gone too!" But, I can't speak a word because she is still here, but she is just not herself. Not gone but departed from who she was. During the holidays, I think we wish they could go with us to that event and not be confused. We miss them. We wish they could handle a loud family party and not be stressed and freaked out. We miss them. We wish they still knew what Christmas is about, but they cannot find meaning in their minds any more. We miss them. I think the holidays make us nostalgic anyways. We miss those times we had with them, and we realize we will never have "those" memories ever again. We miss them. We miss them and we love them.
So, what is my solution to the heartbreak during the holidays when your mom, dad, husband, wife, sister, brother, best friend or any loved one has dementia? In reality, I don't have one. I only have some ideas I am trying. I had lunch today with my mom, and we sang a Christmas carol together. Music has been an activity that soothes my mom. The brain stores musical memories in an area that is undamaged by Alzheimer's. Thus, my mom remembers the words to a lot of songs. I plan to sing a lot of holiday songs with her. It makes me feel good too. In addition, I'm hoping to get a group together to do some caroling throughout her home. I know this will reach more folks like her with the Christmas spirit.
I also plan to pass down some memories with my family. I will speak more about the holidays when my mom was present in body and mind. Try to share stories and funny memories. Find old photos to show everybody. Make a special recipe together. We made my mom's crescent cookies a couple of years ago, and she loved them (though not remembering she ever made those cookies). It is also good to do a fun activity that your loved one liked to do during the season too. Remember them. You remember. You remember for them.
Yes, the holiday season can be a time of heartbreak for many people. It can be especially tough for a family who has a loved one with dementia. But, I'm trying to dwell on the love that abounds at Christmas. The love of God and his love for my mom. And be thankful. Thankful I have had her love. Love cannot be erased. Dementia can never steal that from you. Especially at Christmas.
