I just lost my step-dad, Tom Davis, my mom's husband of 34 years, lover, best friend, caregiver after Alzheimer's hit her. He was a second dad to me, but also he was a great friend. He called me his daughter to others. I liked that. We talked a lot, worked together on my mom's care, and lived life together. I think I helped him with her care. When he got sick, I know he appreciated my care for him. His favorite words were, "You do too much." My words back, "I love you, and this is what families do."
But, what has been the hardest thing for me besides losing a man I really loved? I think it is to not have a mother, his wife, to grieve with. It has ticked me off so much that she can't grieve him. Yesterday was his favorite holiday, the 4th of July, and she did not mention him once. It's been 9 days since he died, and she does not talk about him at all! This is probably the hardest part of grieving his loss. I know now she cannot process grief anymore. Her brain just does not work the same as mine. When I told her the news of his passing, she never cried and moved on within minutes to other topics. AD has robbed her of her empathy connection with her loved ones. It is such a terrible disease.
Today, I read a an article with some great ideas on how to handle his death without reminding her a hundred times plus that her husband has died. If you continue to do that, then you give them a new memory each time, and they grieve each time. That is just cruel. Most of us are shocked by the news of a loved ones passing...death is like that no matter what. We cry, we process, and we think and mourn. My mom cannot do this. She can't process it, and cannot remember to mourn. But, the research says to tell her with specific words that she understands ONE time. Then, don't do it again...unless she asks specifically. A tip I found today in my research is to talk about him in the PAST tense. It says to share stories and pics, but always say it was so fun WHEN he was here. I will start that technique tomorrow. I hate this silent stuff that's going on anyways. It's not helping me grieve.
In closing, I know I said earlier that she didn't mention my dad's name once yesterday on the 4th, but I neglected one occasion. After we spent the day with her, and we took her back to her assisted living, there was a laser show starting in the garden. A worker invited her out to the show as I was saying good bye. She said she was too tired. But, she added, "Is Tom out there?" The worker and I shook our heads no, and she quickly headed down the hall to their room. We told the truth. But, we both felt sorrow for her, for us, for the situation. It just can't be fixed. There is just no grieving with a Alzheimer's victim...you must love them and grieve FOR them..and love them through the loss. Because, even if my mom doesn't know it...it's her huge loss...not mine.
