Holiday Blues Part 2...Grieving the Disease of Alzheimer's

     It's the holidays again and a certain nostalgia comes with that. Memories of old times, celebrations, and especially memories of my "old mom". The mom I used to have is slowly and inevitably fading before my eyes. I am still getting glimpses of "her" when she enjoys the music. She always LOVED the holiday music. She loved singing in the choir too at Christmastime! I often came to her church to hear her special music. Now, she hums to herself, sings a few words and forgets, but still smiles when she listens to performers. I still think she feels joy when she has music in her life.

     Recently, I noticed her decline even more. Mom was always a festive person. RED at Christmas was her color. I brought her a cute red sparkly top to wear to her Christmas ball at the assisted living facility. She wore it last year and loved it. This year I left it for her labeled to wear. I had to be at another event, but I figured she would wear it. She did last year. Instead, I was notified she went to bed at 6 pm (social withdraw?), but I called for help, and my reinforcements got her up. Surprise... when I arrived there I saw that she was dressed in a blue shirt and a black jacket. I was a little shocked when I saw her, but got over it quickly. She still looked nice. It didn't matter about the clothes. I had her hair done that day, and she looked attractive. She enjoyed the music and they even danced half a song! Funny how music really brings out the old woman I knew! Anyhow, her disconnect with Christmas colors, and even the decorations I put in her room, made me sad once again. 

     Today I realized my mom is progressing...it's a progressive disease...there is no stopping the progression. For the first time in a few years, I cried about the unfairness of this stupid disease called Alzheimer's. What set me off? I stopped by her place for a moment today and saw a sweet lady who suffers with early onset of Alzheimer's (like the "Still Alice" movie). She started following me around. She's 61 years old, and it was diagnosed four years ago when she was an elementary school principal! Smart people get this stupid disease and there is no rhyme or reason. Anyhow, she was so confused today, and I thought in my mind, "she's getting worse quickly." I left, but I sobbed in my car for her and for my equally smart mother. I guess it was grief that I hadn't experienced in a while. It was probably a little anger too that this disease can rob people of their personhood...losing who they were.

     So, the holidays are going to be somewhat melancholy now until my mom meets her Creator. Then, she will be whole. She will be able to sing joyously with meaning. She will have a restored brain. She will be my "old mom" again. I look forward to that day.