Many of us think we are moral people. We all think that we love our parents. Even if we live far away, we think a visit or two a year, calls twice a month, all those are sufficient. We are probably blinded. We think because they can't remember maybe it isn't necessary for us to visit. But, did you know, in the recesses of their minds, they still remember some things? Especially YOU! I know this because I have seen it firsthand in cognitive impaired elderly.
Now comes the hard part, what if your parents are BOTH sick with terrible brain diseases, and you are far away. I don't know what to say to you, because I am the child who lives close by. But, what I really think is you should then make double the amount of visits. I call many in the family to share the stress. Sometimes I call or text for advice. Sometimes I call or text because I feel it's just NOT all my responsibility to handle all these decisions and things. But, sometimes I call just because I have no one else to talk to about our parents. Friends get tired of the same old same old talk about our parents. My family gets tired of me. Shoot, sometimes I get tired of me and feel like I have nothing else to talk about. It gets really old...even for me.
My challenge for you who live far away is that you do not rely on your sibling living closest to your parents to fill the gap if you have a parent with dementia. Come visit more often and visit your elderly parent or parents. Don't just do what you want to do to help...ask the local sibling how you can help them! This will be the biggest help! For example, a caregiver friend of mine recently wanted to go see her sister and family in California. Her son offered to come and stay with his dad (an invalid) so she could get away on a much needed visit/vacation with family. This is what I am talking about. Sacrifice your vacation or free time for the person caring for your loved one. You do not know what that will mean to them and how much you will be blessed for it!
What else can you do? You can call often and take an area of responsibility that YOU can do long distance. Perhaps it's something online you can do or a job requested by the local sibling. Remember, 80% of success is just showing up, and you can do that virtually in today's world.
Lastly, take the calls of the sibling who is local. Share their burdens whether it be medical, financial, or emotional. If they call, always assume it is important, because, quite honestly, they are doing your job as a son/daughter so you should be willing to be there for them.
But, what if you have no sibling? Then, HIRE SOMEONE! I say this big because it is a must! Even if you have your loved one in an assisted living facility, you will need them checked on. Assisted living facilities have good points and some bad. They definitely will not give the care you would. I will be blogging in the weeks to come on the ups and downs of assisted living facilities. But, believe me, you DO need an extra pair of eyes checking on them to make sure they have quality care where they live.
In closing, I think back to my mom washing my clothes and reminding me about my manners at dinner...these are things I do now for my mother because my mom can't remember how to do these things. I'm glad I can do that. But, even if you live far away, your mom or dad taught you these same things too....don't ever forget that. Don't forget the time she or he gave you, the trips they missed for you, the trips they went on for you, the sacrifices they made for you. Were they perfect in all this? I am sure NOT, and many of us might find our parents lacking. Does that negate the things they did right at any point in time? No, we cannot let our hurts dictate the care we give them now. It is our responsibility as moral people...not just what we think we are, but we know deep down we should be with our elderly parents. This is the care they deserve...even living far away.
