While I know I should be "happy" because it's the holidays and all, Alzheimer's does have a way of making you feel a little blah. I started feeling this way several years ago when my mom-in-law began to also show signs of the disease. I already had a mom who had Alzheimer's Disease for years, and I could not count on her helping me with anything during the holidays. Then, I lost my mom-in-law too. I don't think I have yet recovered.
I think maybe it's selfish of me in a way because many people don't have family nearby to help. I know I did get spoiled with our moms' Christmas excitement in the "good ole days", the pre-dementia era. They both LOVED Christmas! They loved giving gifts, helping me with gifts and planning, and especially loved helping with cooking the food. Plus, they both were much better cooks than I was...am...I am a work in progress in cooking area. LOL I sure am blessed to have a daughter that likes to cook. She is my saving grace in that area!
Now, it's just so weird to be around these moms during the holidays. My mother doesn't give gifts or receive gifts well. I bought a sweater for her to give her husband, and she said she probably got it and forgot she did. Then, one minute later she said, "Whose sweater is this? The same thing with her gifts...she had no connection with any of them and tried to give them back to me. My sweet mother-in-law is also clueless. I helped her sign her cards for all the family members, and my husband got cash for her to give. But, she went to pass out her cards and just didn't seem to remember people's names and who to give them to. It was sad to see her confusion as my husband took her around to each person.
As for the cooking area, my mom is a must for keeping OUT of the kitchen! She goes through my trash can now! I catch her pulling out dirty paper plates, discarded food, etc. On Christmas I was cooking squash on the stove and almost done with it, and suddenly she plopped two raw pieces of squash in my pot. They were the ends I had cut off and thrown away. UGH! Luckily, I fished them out quickly and tried not to snap at her. It's getting increasingly more difficult to have her in my kitchen and be patient with her.
So, as I contemplate the holidays I know I should just be thankful to have my moms around. Many tell me that I am lucky they are alive. I think of Alzheimer's and what a random disease it is... it's like light bulbs going on and off. One light bulb went on in my mom on Christmas day that made all the difference. Mom walked out and looked at the table set with my Christmas china and said, "You have really done a lot of work here, and I didn't help you at all." Wow! That made my day! These moments are the ones that help me deal with all the dark moments of when the light bulbs are off and only confusion is there. As for the holidays, I must just lower my expectations and, yes, BE THANKFUL. I must be thankful for my own family. They help me cook, transport the elderly, and help me laugh at the "dementia events" that get me down or frustrate me. I must remember these things when the "holiday blues" hit...and focus on making new memories...even ones where Mom will be present but won't remember. But, WE will remember and that makes all the difference.
